Shopping Trip
by Daelyn Paolini
Summary: Deidara and Sasori have to go grocery shopping for the Akatsuki! But it looks like they're gonna make meth, have sex, and traumatize little boys instead. Wow, that sounds so wrong. *implied KisamexItachi, major OOC, and mindless comedy; fairly confident in the rating -sweat drop-*


**Author's Note:** I know Tobi shouldn't be in this, seeing as how Sasori is also here, but I just couldn't leave the good kid out. Plus it's humor. No one cares about being accurate. Enjoy!

Big thanks to TheWammy'sHouseReject for coming up with the premise for this. ^^ You're a life saver! *glomps*

* * *

Shopping Trip~

When it came to doing chores, the Akatsuki had an official way of doing things. They had a wheel. Actually, two, because Hidan got bitchy when he felt cheated, Tobi cried when he didn't get to feel important, and Deidara had a knack for stylizing the boards, so it was a win-win-lose; Itachi's blindness didn't let him enjoy his side of the board. (Itachi: sad face~)

Tobi sang the entire morning, excited for the daily spin, hoping he finally got to do something. He hadn't been able to do any chores since they switched to the wheel from rock, paper, scissors. They switched because Sasori controlled whoever he was playing against, losing every time and making them dance the loser's dance of nakedness and shame. And because of Sasori's cheating, Hidan threatened to go skeletal Oreo man on everyone and was allowed to seethe in his room. Tobi magically had a way of losing every time, Itachi was too blind to ever tell who won or lost which led to Deidara always saying he lost, and Deidara himself had a way of scaring everyone he played against into forfitting. No one tended to feel like getting hand-raped. Obviously, not the best way to go about making decisions at Akatsuki HQ.

"Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is a happy boy, Tobi is excited for the lovely wheel time~"

"Tobi, I can't hear the TV, be quiet," Itachi said.

"Wha-at? But you can't even see it either!"

"Be quiet, or I'll-"

"Or you'll what? Beat me with your walking cane? Ooh!" Tobi giggled and clapped his hands. "Do it, do it, do it!"

Itachi couldn't get over how sincere Tobi sounded, so he just kept himself quiet and threw a glass over his shoulder.

"What the hell, Itachi!" Hidan growled, holding his hands soaked in orange juice. The juice clung to his slicked back hair and blanketed his uncovered chest. "I just fixed my hair! Do you know how long it takes me to do my hair? You blind bastard! Shit!"

"Oh, Hidan, I-"

Tobi's laughter interrupted Itachi's apology.

"Want to settle this with a game of rock, paper, scissors?" Deidara said with a smirk on every one of his mouths.

"Hell yeah," Hidan said.

"I can't help but feel like I should say no to that," Itachi said.

"Okay, is everyone ready for the wheel?" Kakuzu stepped into the room with a small notebook in hand.

"Woo-hoo!" Tobi threw his hands in the air and cheered. He ran out of the room to beat everyone else to the office the wheels were in.

Slowly, everyone followed Tobi into the office and waited for Kakuzu to come in with Zetsu and the wheel. Deidara offered to lead Itachi to the room, which turned out to be an exciting game for him to play.

"Two steps to the left, watch out for that table!"

_Smack._

Itachi hissed at the pain in his shin.

"No, not that way! No, no! Wall, wall, wall!"

_Thwump._

Itachi reeled backward from the pain in his face.

And because everyone else was already in the office, Itachi had no choice but to go along with Deidara's game to get to where he needed to be. Many bruises and scrapes later, the two showed up a few minutes late. Itachi walked in seeing stars and Deidara gave everyone a shit-eating grin.

"Now that we're all here, it's time to spi-"

"Spin-Time to spin the wheel!" Tobi finished Kakuzu's words messily, waving his arms at everyone.

"I'll kill you if you don't let me finish my sentence."

"Ah! Sorry, sorry!" Tobi ducked his head and moped. "Tobi is a good boy, I promise!" He wailed.

"Again, it's time to spin the wheel and see who does what chores today. Tobi, come on and spin the chore wheel," Kakuzu said and moved aside.

Tobi walked up to the wheel and crossed his fingers. _This time, this time for sure!_

Tobi put his hands on two spokes of the wheel and spun it as hard as he could. The wheel became a blur of glitters and colorful paint that flew off the construction paper and hit everyone in the face.

"God damn it, Deidara!" Hidan fumed, wiping at his face. "Screw this shit, I'm taking a shower! Leave me out of your gay games…"

"Hey!"

"Ooh, ooh!" Tobi bounced up and down, and everyone but Itachi could see Tobi's grin through his mask. "It is slowing down!"

The wheel came to a slow stop and landed on "Groceries," which was decorated with shopping carts and _Welcome to Wal-Mart: get your shit and get out!_

"Whoo! Tobi gets to go shopping today!"

"Tobi, you haven't spun the other wheel yet. Focus," Kakuzu said.

"Aww."

"What did the wheel say?" Itachi asked.

"It said start capitalizing its name," Deidara said.

"Oh. Sorry, Wheel."

"It also said you should pray to it or face its circumscribed wrath." Deidara looked over at Itachi and choked on his own laughter when he saw him on his knees, praying to the Almighty Wheel.

"Deidara, you ass." Kisame smacked the back of Deidara's head.

"Tobi, _wheel!"_

"Yes!"

Tobi spun the next wheel and waited for its daily judgment. _It will be me today, I know it!_

_And please watch over Kisame and help him not to be so mean anymore…_

_Shit, I'm out of hair gel!_

_Did I leave the oven on?_

_Damn it, Moon Moon, you got me again! Hahahaha!_

"And the person going shopping today is…Sasori!"

Sasori's portion of the wheel was covered with hearts, dolls, and "pretty sand," as Deidara was proud of saying.

"Damn it," Sasori said.

"Okay, come on, Itachi. Remember what happened last time you went with Sasori?" Both men shuddered at the thought, their faces contorted in some sick displeasure. "Let's get you washed up…" Kisame picked up Itachi and cradled him in his arms like a little princess.

"Thank you, Almighty Wheel, you have answered my prayers!" Itachi said with a sad wave of his hand.

"You guys are so gay," Deidara said.

Tobi laughed.

"Spin the wheel again!"

"Wheeeeel!"

_Dock._

The wheel barely spun, landing almost immediately on Deidara's kiss-covered panel on the wheel.

"Ooh, _yay~_ We're going shopping, Sasori!"

"_Damn it,"_ Sasori said.

"Aww! But Tobi has been such a good boy!" Kakuzu patted Tobi's back and led him out of the room, then came back to give Deidara the wallet with a quick, "…in the wallet."

"Let's goooo!"

Sasori followed begrudgingly.

Wal-Mart itself wasn't so bad, it was all the stares they were getting that made Sasori uncomfortable. And Sasori didn't know whether more people stared at him or Deidara. The gender-confused comments were the ones that frustrated him the most, though.

"Mommy, why doesn't that lady have boobs?"

"Come on, sweetie, stop staring…it's called an alternate lifestyle, okay?"

Sasori was red-faced and fuming. Deidara, however, was enjoying the attention. In a sadistic way.

"I'm not a woman, little boy, I'm a man, un. See?"

Sasori winced at the sound of Deidara's zipper and slapped a hand over his face. The mother shrieked and ran away to find a security guard with her son in tow who openly gaped at Deidara's package.

"What the hell was that for?" Sasori said.

"He asked," Deidara shrugged.

"Whatever, just…just put it away."

"Aww, you don't want to see me? I feel so rejected." Deidara floated off with slumped shoulders.

"Alright, so what did Leader say we needed? Was it like…turkey? And pop sickles, right? Didn't Kisame once say he liked those?" Sasori walked off toward the freezer section and scratched his head dubiously.

In the health and beauty aisle, Deidara picked up a small carton containing lube and held it up above him reverently.

_If you use lube, it'll make it so much better._

"Un," Deidara smiled and tossed the lube into his hand basket. He walked over to the prescription counter, trying to remember what Hidan had asked him to buy. Seeing a list taped underneath the plaster counter, Deidara started listing off items for the pharmacist attending him.

"I would like some cough syrup, Tylenol, iodine, Sudafed; and do you know where I can find some drain cleaner, fertilizer, matches, and brake fluid?"

The pharmacist just looked at him with wide, wide eyes.

"What?"

_(A few moments later…)_

"What do you mean I can't ask for that shit?! It was on the list on the counter in there!"

"Shut up. Are you here with your parents? Where are they are?"

"What? I'm nineteen, you fuckin asshole!"

"Deidara! What's going on over here?" Sasori stormed over to Deidara, who thrashed around in his handcuffs.

"Do you know this girl?" The security guard said.

"Yeah, she's my little sister." Sasori smirked inside.

"Take her. Get her some help, alright?"

"What are you tal-"

"Don't play dumb with me. You can't not know what she's been up to."

With that, the security guard stalked off and left a bewildered Sasori. Deidara screamed at the top of his lungs for him to come back here so he could "dip his wick in a fatty to prove how much of a guy he was."

"_Damn it,_ _Deidara! _What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you keep—is that your hand basket?" Sasori looked down at the basket next to Deidara's thrashing feet.

"Yeah, why?"

"Um…why did you buy lube?"

"What? Itachi said it would make it better," Deidara said, now inert.

"Make _what_ better, exactly?" Sasori flinched, worried about what Deidara might say next.

"My art."

"Did you suddenly change _art forms,_ or are you screwing with me?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, un! Shut up and-"

"You honestly don't know? Lube is for sex, you idiot! Usually gay sex, which is what I think Itachi's point was…"

"WHAT?!"

_(At the hideout..)_

"I asked you guys to go out and buy ingredients for a cake for _Tobi's goddamn birthday tomorrow!"_ Kakuzu shouted at the top of his lungs and threw the sack of meth concoction and lube at the two pitiful Akatsuki. "_And why in the hell is there _lube _in here?!"_

"I call bullshit! You didn't tell us anything!" Deidara threw a finger up.

"I told you the list was in the wallet, you fucking moron! I'm gonna kill you!"

Kakuzu jumped Deidara right there and wrapped his meaty fingers around Deidara's neck. Deidara shoved his hand into Kakuzu's face, effectively face-raping him. He blubbered and pulled his head back, trying to keep a tight hold on Deidara's neck while fighting mouth-to-mouth.

"He buy the lube?"

"He bought the lube."

Sasori looked at Itachi with a morbid curiosity, and saw a dirty smirk crawl on his face. Sasori cocked an eyebrow, worried by Itachi's spontaneous sadism.

"I'll fuck _you _in the face next time you make me walk into a wall."

Sasori trembled at Itachi's growing expression.

_R-Rape face?!_


End file.
